India, Oct. 4 -- A friend of mine, Kris Srinivasan, a former foreign secretarywho went on to becomedeputy secretary general of the Commonwealth, once sent me an email I want to share with you. It's about the English language. In part it's a test of your ability to handle it andin part an expose of the idiosyncraticrules that govern this delightful language. But it's also great fun. To start with, can you read the following sentences correctly the first time round? This is both a check on your pronunciation and also your vocabulary. Here goes: "The bandage was wound around the wound", "The farm was usedto produce produce", "We must polishthe Polish furniture", "When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes", "There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row", "They were too close to the door to close it", and "Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear". In each of the above sentences, the tricky bit is called a homonym; that'stwo words with the same spelling butdifferent meanings. In this case, the homonyms are alsopronounced differently. It makes them all the more difficult to handle. A good example, which frequently defeats anchors on Indian television, isthe word 'rebel'. As a noun, pronounced to rhyme with pebble, it means a person who fights against something. As a verb, when it rhymes with a coat lapel, it means theact of revolting. Listen carefully to the news in English and you'll be amazed how often the two pronunciations - and therefore the two meanings - are used wrongly! However, Kris's insightful email goes a lot further than the rigours of English pronunciation. It also explores the "craziness" of the language. For instance, there's no egg in eggplant, or ham in hamburger and neither apple nor pine in pineapple. Worse, sweetmeats are candy but sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. If you go to the theatre you'll find the actors reciting a play, but go to a concert and the musicians will be playing at a recital. Have you noticed how noses run but feet smell? Or how a slim chance and a fat chance can be the same, whilst wise men and wise guys are opposites? Odd isn't it that your home can burnup as it burns down, you fill in a formby filling it out and your alarm goes offby going on? But the marvel of it all is the word"up". Just look at the number of ways it can be used. In the morning we wake up,at meetings a topic comes up, if youtalk softly you're told to speak up, and every five years, politicians are up forelection, whilst it's up to your secretaryto write up a report. But wait, there's more. We call upour friends, warm up the left overs, clear up the kitchen, lock up the house, fix up the old car, stir up trouble, line up fortickets, work up an appetite, think up excuses, open up a store in the morning and, blow me down, close it up at night! And when someone gets it wrong he or she has goofed up. The truth is we seem to be pretty mixed up about up! Kris adds that if you look up the word in a dictionary it will take up almost a quarter of the page and you might find up to thirty different definitions. I checked the Shorter Oxford. Ittakes up a full page, appearing as sixseparate words with altogether 55different meanings. So, if you are up to it, you might try building up a list of the many ways "up" is used. It will take up a lot of your time, but if you don't give up you may end up exhausted or even crazy. I could go on and on but I think it's time to wind up. Before you give up, I'll shut up....