DAR ES SALAAM, Oct. 9 -- TOMORROW, October 10, Tanzania will attempt something no sensible cardiologist would recommend: Following an international beauty finale and the Simba-Yanga derby while pretending everything is under control.

In Bangkok, Jihan Mohin Dimachk will pursue the Miss Grand International crown. At Uhuru Stadium, Simba and Yanga will pursue three points, bragging rights and permission to make their neighbours thoroughly miserable. One contest has gowns, judges and a crown.

The other has boots, a referee and supporters who become constitutional lawyers whenever their striker falls over.

Both will produce experts who have never coached anyone, judged anything or successfully organised chairs at a family gathering, but ca...